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        Pictures came in waves; distorted and disjointed. His body was sluggish, painfully constricted and held up as though by fishing wire.

    With the pictures came the pain, breaking over him like seafoam. A distant, nebulous thing it never seemed as painful as he thought it ought to be. And as each wave rolled by he soon forgot the details–everything was blurring together. Through the orange murky water he tried to peek through, try as he might to fight it, his eyes crossed and lids closed. Out of the roar and crash of the surf coolly called a collection of tiny voices.

    Time was less a wave and more like the tide. Coming and going at modest levels, a neap tide, it was the rare and extreme spring tide that dragged with it the pictures and pain. Months or more passed between the spring tides which, as hot coloured blurs, hurried on in a frenzied afternoon.

    Counting perhaps two such tides, he heard a voice. Time was particularly hot this passing–the blurring lessened. He thought he saw himself holding a tuft of burnt brown feathers. The dream was too real to be possible, opposite of all prior experience.

    !

    Hmm? Me?

    A new voice cried out now, different from the collected whispers of ages prior.

    Wrk…!

     Is someone calling to me?

    Quick and worrisome, the voice appeared to address him directly.

    Hey!

    Did I oversleep again?

    Another first for him: the dream was staring back.

    Wake up! Wake up dammit!

    It smells like…smoke? Is the apartment burning? No, Cameron burnt toast again. I’ll have his head for it.

    Help me! Wake up!

    The voice was too emotional and far too young to be his husband.

    Why does…why does my chest hurt so much? Lawrence! Is that really you?

    His brother calling out? At what point in his life had he fallen asleep–Lawrence had been gone a decade.

    Wake–no! No! WAKE UP!

    Lawrence, wait!

     

    >>>LOCAL CONTROL overridden: AUTOPILOT engaged

     

    His whole body shook itself to life. The fog and confusion which had forced his head under the ocean of his mind entirely vanished. Reality took over and he frantically rose.

    His heavy body moved a few steps out of the smoke and haze. Strewn about him were intricate doll houses all burnt and broken. Smashed toy cars lay at his feet, strewn about the four lane road which he fully straddled. To his right was a nearly miraculous structure: a five story apartment building his height. He went to touch the building and felt his arm slow to respond.

    Plate mail?

    Pot marked with carbon scorching and dotted with tiny foreign writing, his entire body was glad in blue-grey armour plating. Feeling his face he could tell a helmet and been stuck on him, yet his field of view remained unobstructed and perhaps even enhanced. Like some high tech knight he stood among the elaborate play sets, speculating if he’d been drugged and put on some bizarre game show.    

    What are you DOING? It’s coming!

    The young voice shouted from within, hurting his head and forcing him to pivot around. A spiral of visions and half-remembered stories stabbed at his brain; images of lima beans burned into his conscious. Something like a living truck tackled him. He punched back, jagged metal plate protruding from his gauntlet knuckles cutting the wall of muscle and feather.

    Screams from the creature dizzied him as he was sent barreling backwards down the avenue. A powerful tail whipped around by the feathered thing demolished the five storey playset as it wormed on the ground. Both were slow to regain their footing and each took a moment to survey the other. What he beheld was a feathered monster as tall as himself and adorned with tearing claws and a meat hook toe, its opened mouth a drawer full of knives; that powerful tail doubling its length. Body feathers a drab collection of brown and black, its crown and wings burning iridescence coals.  

    A…Utahraptor? Absolutely a dream.

    It isn’t a dream you idiot!

    Deeper into him the voice twisted a tightening knot of fear. The raptor lowered itself, took two steps, and leapt at him. Impacting his chest feet-first and leveling him to the ground. Its meat-hooks drove into the plate armour, scarring it in a torrent of sparks. It went to bite his head and he caught a jaw in each hand. Claws scratched at his face and impulsively he tore its jaws apart. The raptor leapt off him and staggered a ways into the ruins. Getting to his feet he watched as its jaws wiggled freely before snapping themselves into place.

    It made him wretch.

    The raptor again charged at him. As it leapt he caught it midair, spinning out of momentum. He let go and watched as its huge body sailed into a collection of half smashed doll-apartments.

    He wanted nothing more to do with the whole affair–the surreal sense of living, the suit of armour, his own apparent super strength, the damn dinosaur. Attempting to leave, lima bean-laced imagery again flooded inwards. The life and times of an unwilling bean buried in his brain enlightened him: it didn’t want to be here anymore than he did. Pressed into service only out of necessity, a last resort after near total collapse. Concurrently, memories of himself were exported to the young bean. He felt them leave, inspecting each one and saw his life as it was before arriving in the land of dollhouse dwelling legumes. Marriage, his greatest height. The death of his brother, his deepest pit.

    He said nothing to the voice and the voice answered with silence. All they had now were each other. In the smoke and late day light they made their stand.

    Surging forward off the street and into the miniature ruins, he seized the initiative. He embraced the raptor amid a hug of claws and sparks and offered it his left arm. It bit down on the armour, puncturing it through to the flesh. Hot pain shot through him and he heard the shrill screams of the voice. With a single spiked punch he drove his fist at the throat of the raptor, irreversibly smashing its windpipe and shattering its cervical vertebrae. In a final convulsion it clamped down all its claws and teeth before going completely limp.

    Prying his arm from its mouth, he collected himself with deep, steady breaths. Coming down the road a column of scaled tanks rumbled out of the destruction, each turret trained on him.

    What now?

    Pins and needles poked the back of his neck. Growing in amplitude and oscillating between hot and cold the pinpricks spread across his body. Foreign creeds and chants drowned out the young voice as they both panicked. First his legs, then his arms–a third party had seized the reins. Like a drill press the foreign voice bored itself into his brain, commanding him to stand down and blurring the world together. Surrounded by tiny tanks and now a growing plethora of other miniature war machines, he faltered and gave in to their demands.

     

    >>>AUTOPILOT overridden: EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN engaged

     

    Time rushed out as a neap tide and spatial information rolled along as sparse waves, murky orange water submerging him once again.

     

REVISED: 21 JULY 17

               1217 words

ORIGINAL: 4 DEC 16

                1070 words  

T.B. "Tuberculosis" GEORGE


Evangelion if the people were lima beans, the mechs humans, and the angels dinosaurs.

The first, and probably only, work of writing I've finished in 2016. And it took only two days to finish. Also isn't likely the last time a Utahraptor will make an appearance. I mean seriously, a feathered raptor the wight of a polar bear armed with meat hooks? Doesn't get much scarier than that.

Special thanks to :iconzara-arletis: for providing feedback and catching errors!

Constructive criticism and feedback greatly appreciated!
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Daily Deviation

Given 2017-08-12
:iconakrasiel:
akrasiel Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Professional Writer
Congrats on the DD! :D
Reply
:iconhannibus42:
hannibus42 Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Student Writer
Okay, I've never seen Evangelion, so I know there's a lot that won't make sense to me. That said, I really enjoyed this piece! Definitely worthy of the DD.
Reply
:iconericvonschweetz:
EricVonSchweetz Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Student Digital Artist
Congratulations on DD!
Reply
:iconzara-arletis:
Zara-Arletis Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
I enjoyed reading this a lot. It is just absurd enough to be funny, but not so much as to get old in 1000 words. Your hook is good, and the gist of the story comes across nicely even if it remains mysterious at the conclusion. Your combat was excellent- very active and for the most part clear. I'd definitely read more of this story.

These were my impressions as I read:
I love your opening line. I think it's a nice hook. You may want to develop your simile though - wet laundry is sluggish but how exactly. Sensual detail here would really make an impact. 

In the second line, you may want to reconsider using waves again. It's a little repetitive so close to the opener. I can tell you are keeping with the ocean/water theme, but you could try the pain sent ripples through him or maybe pain washed over him . . .  something in that vein.

 "He though he saw himself holding a tuft of burnt brown feathers." Though should be thought; "scaring it in a torrent of sparks" scaring = scarring; "It made him wrench" wrench = retch; 

This is non-sequitur and I love it "Images of lima beans burned into his conscious as something tackled him." The recurring lima bean text made me laugh a few times. Really good stuff!

At the point where he hits the creature, you might want to indicate that it made the creature stumble, skid, or fall, before it regains its balance. I find that combat is so hard to make clear without slowing down the text. It can be done, but it's a beast ^_^

"
The raptor struggled to stand and he wanted nothing more to do with the whole affair" I think here you meant the armored man was done with combat, but as it's written, it sounds like the raptor wants to gtfo.

"Time came in as a neap tide" - I had to look this one up. Never heard of neap before today. You may want to explain in the text as some readers will just assume it's not a real word and miss the meaning entirely.

Reply
:icontuberculosisgeorge:
TuberculosisGeorge Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
First off, just want to say that I'm super grateful you took the time to provide honest and constructive criticism. Reviews like these are the reason I release my stories at all, so a big thank-you to you!

Right off the bat I went and fixed those three silly little vocab mistakes.

I definitely agree with you about repetition with the wave imagery. The introduction has changed the most from the story's first draft and even still I'm sure I'll be able to find a way to get it to flow better.

I'm glad you liked the whole lima bean thing! It sort of just came to me and I ran with it. 

Read over the part where the raptor tackles the man and I also agree that a mention of loss of balance would help explain why the downy dinosaur is somehow 20 feet down the road. You're also spot on about it looking like the raptor suddenly has a voice in the story.

I'll look into seeing if I can better explain a neap tide somewhere in the introduction so I can keep the end sequence to just two lines.

Once again thanks a bundle for taking the time to provide your thoughts! I absolutely love responding to feedback and, of course, I'm happy that you enjoyed my work!
Reply
:iconzara-arletis:
Zara-Arletis Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
I read through your revision - I don't remember how clean your action sequence was the first time around, but it reads beautifully in this version. Very easy to follow and good pacing. There wasn't anything in the text that felt awkward, even read aloud. Great work ^_^ 

And you kept the lima beans! :D 
Reply
:icontuberculosisgeorge:
TuberculosisGeorge Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you enjoyed the fixes! There were some parts I really had to stress over to get just right, so I'm happy it was worth it. Also, a massive thank you for suggesting this as a DD; I feel very honoured!
Reply
:iconzara-arletis:
Zara-Arletis Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
It's a really great story ^_^ Totally deserved some love and attention. Congrats on the DD!
Reply
:iconzara-arletis:
Zara-Arletis Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
If anything I said helps, I'm happy. It was a great read ^_^
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